Jasmin Obadencio
September 6, 2011
RD1
Decide for yourself, Not for others
Women adjusting to their gender roles are taken melodramatically. I defy the fact "males are the stronger sex and women the weaker sex". In the public eye, they implanted this idea upon women and it has worked for some time. Now the years progress with women breaking the glass ceiling. In other words [THESIS] women should not be brushed into their roles. Expanding their intellect will balance between both sexes and men will adjust to participate in a woman's shoes. This gives "freedom of externalizing their skills". Women will have their periods of trauma because of their bodily and emotional changes throughout her teenager years to after menopause, but it doesn't stop them if they're dedicated to something. Not all women are fully feminine, they too have some sort of masculinity that runs deep. [THESIS]
We can all agree that the military can be a tough task to endure, yes? And if a woman wanted to serve our nation, her chances would automatically be slim. Men or young teenager boys would be recruited instead. After learning about my fiancé's side of the family, I can say he's a military brat. Almost his whole family has joined or are continuing to serve. This is including his Aunt, mother, and cousin that I know of. His mom served four years, his Aunt ten, and cousin two. When asking themhow it was like, they said it was tough but worth it. Relating this with my topic, these are women that said this. They went to the same training with men and served alongside them. We can learn from these women that hold strong for the rest.
"It still seems to make more sense that the man works and make the money, while the female stays at home and cooks and cleans around the house"- Max Babylon. A quote from my classmate that I differ to. A scenario in today's times with this economy, both parents would need to be working, important to keep a roof over their head and provide for their family if any. Costs for food, mortgage/rent, and everything else is not free. We never got it easy once we reached adulthood (maybe for those who inherit richness), so we need be ahead of ourselves and do the best that we can to survive. Partnership, such as husband and wife, is vital for their own sake to strive ahead of economy costs. Like the saying we all heard at some point in our lives "not everyone gets to live life on the easy lane."
In the beginning of Mary Pipher's excerpt, she mentions Polly who was a girl that passed for a tomboy. Since males and females have different sexual organs, females have what we call their menstrual period, menopause, and pregnancy. This changed Polly for her friends out-casted her. The transition from before and after her first menstrual cycle was hard. The acceptance from her boy friends was unfair because she was judged. Once her appearance changed, boys started looking her way again. Polly's trauma in transitioning from preadolescence of being a teenager changed dramatically and we other girls I'm sure can relate to this. Growing up, I played with Tonka trucks instead of barbies, played sports for fun, and even though it wasn't ladylike, I wasn't judged. I did notice myself change when I got my period, but I didn't crash and burn as Pipher shared when observing Junior high girls that attended her campus. No doubt in other cases like this can occur, but I can't fully relate. The story of Polly does bring me back to my point on women having choices that boys/men have choices in. the descripency with society in general, is them judging whats not important to judge. If it weren't for women, the male population would decrease. Who would they have to depend on then? Women. In any sense, different sexes are capable of anything.
Deciding for yourself and not for others gives opportunities on a greater horizon. People will never stop judging, but it shouldn't get in the way of your dreams. With some positive self esteem and healthy
influence from those close to you, you're able to stand out in an all male crowd and perform the same work or join in any activity. Just because we're all created different, society needs to work around it
instead of stomping on differences.
Works Cited
Pipher, Mary. “Saplings in the Storm”. Dialogues: An Argument Rhetoric and Reader. 6Th Edition. Eds. Gary Goshgarian and Kathleen Krueger. New York: Pearson-Longman, 2011. 347
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHello and here begins my review of your paper,
ReplyDeleteJust to let you know that you are slightly under the minimum word count of 750.
I believe that your thesis statement is a bit too long. As James said it should be a sentence long, but maybe 2 or 3 would be fine. You however have 5 sentences in your thesis. One statement says that women should not be brushed into their roles, then you change the topic to men being in women’s shoes, and then you change the topic to femininity and masculinity. As you can see there are too many paths to support. I believe that your second sentence would be a perfect thesis statement – “I defy the fact that males are the stronger sex and women are the weaker sex.” When you say “I defy” are you stating that you yourself is an example of women not being the weaker sex?
Your second paragraph could be your supporting paragraph for the thesis I suggested. Be careful of grammatical errors as there are several noticeable ones. The last sentence – “we can learn from these women that hold strong for the rest” – would be a great opener for more supporting evidence. Leaving the last sentence as is makes things very vague, as people may not know what you mean be “we can learn “.
The fourth paragraph would make another good supporting evidence of how females can play with males as equals, but it just needs to be more refined or narrowed. There is too much going on in this paragraph. True without women the male population would decrease, as a matter of fact the human race would be extinct, but this has nothing to do with your topic at all.
Your last paragraph is supposed to conclude your thesis, but it doesn’t do that. As a matter of fact it brings about a new topic – “positivity and self-esteem”.
Well, hope this helps. If there are any things that need explaining let me know.
-Mark
I liked Jasmine’s point that everyone should stand up against the judgments of society and follow our dreams, despite our gender and the socialized roles associated with that gender. She made a good point of backing that up by talking about her fiance’s family which includes several women who have been members of the military.
ReplyDeleteSome weaknesses I can point out are:
• The Thesis statement was long and a little unclear. It seems to be: Women should not be brushed into roles; expanding the intellect will help bring equality; women will have periods of trauma due to emotional & physiological changes through their life; and not all women are feminine, “they too have some sort of masculinity.
• A thought, this statement, “I defy the fact "males are the stronger sex and women the weaker sex", may be your thesis. It seems this is what your paper is supporting?
• Didn’t cite the schoolmate, Max Babylon’s comments.
• This sentence in the next to last paragraph is confusing, I don’t know who “they” is: “the discrepancy w/society in general is when they judge what’s not important to judge.”
Overall, the paper makes a good argument and is interesting. Just needs a few things ironed out.
The draft is readable and addresses the assignment. It shows signs the writer put effort in reviewing and revising. It follows basic formatting rules. It includes basic identifying info. It has an original title and thesis statement is labeled. The body paragraphs support the thesis. I like the closing paragraph, but I don’t think it re-states the Thesis. It does follow MLA guidelines and is free of mechanical issues.
yes___1. Is the draft readable? All drafts submitted for review must be free of strange characters and symbols.
ReplyDeleteyes___2. Does it address the topic or question for this assignment? In our first paper: (ENG 273N) Does it describe a place that has made a lasting impact on the writer? (ENG 215) Does it take a firm stand on the statement “Between adolescence and menopause, women experience trauma in adjusting to their gender roles”? (ENG 100) Does it describe in vivid detail a specific person, place, thing (object), or process (activity) that the writer considers “beautiful”? For subsequent papers, see the appropriate assignment guidelines.
NO___3. Is it complete? Does it have all the parts mentioned in the assignment guidelines? If necessary, does it include a works cited section? Does it meet the word count requirement? (Paper 1&5: 750-1000 words; paper 2&3: 1000-1500; paper 4: 1500-2000. See the assignment guidelines for the latest requirements.)
_yes__4. Does it show signs that the writer has put effort into reviewing and revising it before submitting it? Review drafts (RDs) aren’t the same as “rough” drafts. They are as close to final drafts as possible. Thus, they should be complete, show signs of revision, and be as clear as possible of mechanical problems.
IF your answer to any of the first four questions is “no,” stop. In your comment, let the writer know about the problem or problems. Don’t go on to the remaining questions.
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Hey Jasmine, your paper seems good, but there a few things you need to look over. I think your thesis should be shortened up a bit. It should be 1-2 sentences and I also think you could come up with a stronger opening sentence. Look over the grammatical errors as well. But the main thing you need to make sure of is that it is 750 words. Your paper is only 732 words when I checked.
-Max Babylon